Another Interesting Business Model

7.09.2011

So speaking of interesting business models, here's one that's guaranteed to make you bajillions of dollars, if your interested in that kind of thing.  It's pretty simple really and I'm surprised more people haven't thought of it.  It consists of a few simple steps.

  1. Design a product that every man, woman and child in the world will want.
  2. Sell the product at a huge markup that guarantees you piles of cash.
  3. Make it really slippery and difficult to hold onto.
  4. Make it out of glass, or at least the surface of it should be made of edge to edge glass such that a drop from any height onto a hard surface will shatter the surface, rendering it useless or nearly useless.
  5. Make sure the product is designed to be impossible to to repair.
  6. Threaten all business partners that if they attempt to repair the broken product, they risk losing the business relationship.
  7. When consumers call to ask about the options they have to deal with a now broken, useless product, tell them they can take it to a company retail store, which may or may not be within hundreds of miles, and present it to the store staff which may or may not do anything to help you. Store staff will have the option to
      a) repair broken product with magical tools in the back at no cost to you
      b) repair broken product with magical tools in the back at some cost to you
      c) give you a new product at no cost to you
      d) give you a new product at some cost to you
      e) do nothing and laugh at you for being such a parental tool who actually bought this product for all of their children

Now, I know you're all thinking that this business model is much too simple and couldn't possibly work, but I'm here to tell you that this is, in fact, a real product in the real world and that the company selling this product does have large mounds of cash that can be directly attributed to this product and business model.  I am also here to confess, sadly, that I am a parental tool that begrudgingly gave my money to said company and now has 3 of the above mentioned products in my home which have been rendered completely or partially useless after a drop from the height of a small child's waist.  I haven't yet played the retail store lottery game yet to see which of the options I will be granted.  That's mostly because the nearest retail store for this company is 215 miles from my home, but I'll certainly have this opportunity soon since living without this product apparently violates a fundamental human right (according to my children).

And so my recommendation for other parents who don't want their children to be losers who don't own this product (I think, technically you are considered below the poverty level if you don't own at least one of these products), make sure that you don't allow your children to touch this thing until you have wrapped it in some sort of super, shock-absorbing protective cover.  And in case you're wondering where to get such a protective cover, I know they are available at a very high markup at the company retail store nearest you.

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